Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Dear Spammers

Dear Spammers,

You might be wondering why your comments aren't appearing below the posts on my mommy blog. Rest assured that all comments go into moderation and only the choicest comments are allowed to appear on this blog.

Thank you for all of your kind words and concerns followed by blatant plugs for knock off items and shady loans. Your comments really mean so much nothing to me.

Thank you for all of the compliments about design and functionality of my blog. In truth, Google designed the template and is responsible for the functionality, so you should really direct your praise to them.

Likewise, thank you for all of your concerns about broken links or compatibility issues, especially with Google Chrome. As I noted earlier, this blog is designed and hosted by Google, so please direct all of your issues to them. And since this blog is designed and hosted by Google, it actually IS compatible with Google Chrome- if you were a human and not a robot spammer you might have noticed this.

I'm so glad that you think I have technical expertise [in raising a toddler] and are thrilled by all of the nonexistent research I've done [in raising a toddler]. Perhaps if you actually read my blog you would realize I don't know what the hell I'm doing. 

I'm also thrilled that you believe I have so many critical arguments, informative articles and discussion points [about raising a toddler]. And that my compiled information [about raising a toddler] has saved you so many hours of research [on toddlers]. Actually, I still don't know what I'm doing and if you think I'm so informative and well-versed [in toddlers] then you've missed the point entirely. Again, if your were a human reading this blog you might have noticed.

Thanks for all of the comments in broken English so poorly written that I can barely make out what you're attempting to say, minus shamelessly plugging your knock-off items. You must really think I need sunglasses. Actually, it's cloudy here today. Also, I'm not likely to get a loan from a spam comment from Russia. Just sayin'.

And thanks for all of the comments in Russian, Chinese and other non-English characters that I can't possibly read. They are so helpful in no way at all and I enjoy not reading them.

Many of you like to comment on my post about Free Range Toddlers. You must think I am giving away stoves to children, and would therefore like to foolishly promote your knock-off sunglasses and shoes as well. Rest assured, I am not selling or donating products of any kind via my blog. If you were a human you might have noticed this.

Thanks for sharing my blog with your sister/brother/wife/husband/friend because you believe they will find my blog so informative. I really appreciate you getting other spammers to add more spam to the pile. That's really great. No really. I just love spam. (If you are a robot you will take this at face value. Humans, however, would note the sarcasm font here.)

Lastly, be at ease that I submit every single, last, damn spam comment to Google so they can hunt you down and eat you like the tasteless lunchmeat that you are.

An overspammed blogger

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